There are times when it can seem like there are no good single people out there. When you’ve had no success with apps, or you find that the people that you’re most attracted to are not finding themselves attracted back. Or you’re starting to get older and feeling like you cannot find anyone that is a good fit for your age.
Still, one of the biggest challenges standing in the way of a successful relationship is not necessarily the people you’re meeting, but the relationship patterns that you’ve created over time. It’s not uncommon to find ourselves in relationship patterns that can hurt our ability for a successful relationship to grow, and – because people are relying on tech more to meet people fast rather than allowing relationships to grow more organically, it’s becoming even harder for people to end those patterns.
- So what are “relationship patterns?”
- How do they form?
- And what can be done to stop them?
Let’s talk about this in greater detail.
All About Relationship Patterns
Relationship patterns are the recurring behaviors, choices, and dynamics that tend to repeat themselves across your dating history. They can show up in many ways:
- Some people consistently choose partners that are emotionally unavailable.
- Others find themselves in relationships where they are giving much more than they are receiving.
- Some may struggle with conflict in ways that repeat across different partners, regardless of who they are dating.
These patterns form over time throughout our lives, often without us being fully aware of them. They may come from early life experiences, the examples of relationships we saw growing up, or the way we’ve learned to protect ourselves emotionally.
Perhaps even more importantly, they feel familiar and “normal.” Someone that is used to loud arguments with a partner they “love(d)” may not realize that loud arguments are unhealthy, and when they bring that behavior to the next relationship, not only do they not have a way to turn it off but they also do not understand why the other partner is not responding well. They repeat and repat even if they make us unhappy or hurt the relationship.
How Relationship Patterns Take Shape
Most patterns develop gradually, shaped by a mix of past experiences and personal coping strategies. For example:
- Attachment Styles – Early relationships with caregivers influence how safe and secure we feel in close relationships later in life.
- Past Relationships – Negative or unbalanced partnerships can reinforce habits that carry over into new connections.
- Personal Fears – Fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, or fear of being alone can lead us to accept situations that are not good for us.
- External Pressures – Social expectations, dating apps, and cultural norms can encourage choices that prioritize short-term connection over long-term compatibility.
The result is that people often find themselves repeating the same relationship outcomes, even when they consciously want something different.
Breaking Out of Harmful Patterns
I am a therapist that works with individuals that are struggling in their relationships, as well as a coach that helps people if they’re single. In my experience, it helps to speak to a therapist that can provide more insight and support into what is causing the patterns to take place and how they’re manifesting.
Remember, one of the issues here is that these patterns feel “normal.” It can be hard to identify them yourself. Seeing a therapist as you navigate the dating world can be a big help.
Still, you can try to do it on your own. The process of ending these cycles is not always quick, but it is possible. It requires self-awareness and intentional change. Some approaches include:
- Identifying Triggers – Recognize the specific behaviors or choices that seem to repeat.
- Reflecting on Motivation – Understand what fears, insecurities, or needs may be driving those behaviors.
- Slowing Down – Take more time to get to know potential partners before committing to old patterns.
- Seeking Support – Therapy, counseling, or trusted friends can help provide perspective and accountability.
- Creating New Standards – Define what you truly want in a relationship and hold yourself to pursuing only those connections.
Try to really imagine what a healthy and successful relationship looks like. Find a couple that you really respect that you see as the ideal relationship. Don’t just look at your friends (sometimes, we are friends with people that have similar relationship patterns) but instead, try to find a happy couple that you can use as a model for what a relationship could be.
Moving Toward Healthier Relationships
Changing relationship patterns does not mean that every future relationship will be perfect, but it does make it possible to build something more stable and fulfilling. By identifying where patterns come from and actively choosing different behaviors, you create the space for healthier, more lasting connections.
For most people, the path to finding the right partner begins with reshaping the patterns that have held them back. If you’re in the San Francisco area, reach out today to get started.