When we talk about relationships and marriages, we often focus on love. We talk about how you can rebuild love when it’s lost, or learn to love each other more. We talk about whether you’re still in love or if you have fallen out of love. Love, at least in casual conversation – and sometimes in therapy as well – is often seen as the barometer to whether a relationship is worth pursuing further.
But there is so much more to relationships than love alone, and often it’s the other components of a relationship that often help it be successful.
What is Love But How You Show It?
Successful relationships are often about how you show your love far more than whether or not the love is there. “It is not enough to love someone. Love is a feeling, but loving is a verb. And the practice of loving someone well is a skill that must be learned” says Chantal Vice, owner of Heart in Mind Psychotherapy on Long Island.
We know we can love someone. But we don’t always understand that love by itself is not as meaningful as loving someone – showing them love and giving them love in ways that it is received.
Do You Have Mutual Plans?
Another component of a successful relationship is learning to be on the same page. You can love someone, but you may not be growing in the same direction. Strong relationships often grow when you work together towards mutual goals, rather than separately. You want to be a single entity in much of your goal setting, because you’ll achieve greater things as a partnership on a similar, mutually aligned path.
Do You Know How to Communicate with Each Other?
Love can bring people together, but communication keeps them together. The ability to express thoughts clearly and listen openly is one of the most powerful ways to show love in action. Many couples believe they have communication problems, but what they really have are understanding problems. It’s not always about what is said, but how it’s received.
Learning how to communicate effectively means being willing to pause before reacting, asking questions before assuming, and listening with empathy instead of defense. It means recognizing that your partner’s perspective matters even when it differs from your own. When both partners approach communication as a shared effort rather than a competition, they create the foundation for emotional safety and genuine understanding.
Do You Practice Respect and Accountability?
Respect is one of the most active forms of love. It’s expressed through the everyday ways we acknowledge our partner’s feelings, space, and individuality. Accountability is its companion – the willingness to take ownership when we fall short. When partners consistently respect each other and take responsibility for their actions, trust deepens naturally.
Are You Present?
How many of us waste hours on our phones, or get lost in our stresses? There’s an argument to be made that presence with a partner is as important or more important than even love. Spending time with someone, in person, where you’re truly sharing memories with each other deepens a bond and connection. It’s why long distance relationships can be so difficult – you can have a lot of love, but there is no substitute for in-person quality time together.
Do You Support Each Other’s Growth?
To love someone well is to allow them to grow independently while you find ways to grow alongside them. Many relationships struggle when one person changes and the other resists that evolution. But growth and change are inevitable – they are what happens as you get older and your life changes with it. It’s also important, as it is what keeps a relationship dynamic and alive. Supporting your partner’s goals, dreams, and self-discovery shows that your love is not conditional on sameness, but built on respect for their individuality.
Relationships Need Love – But Great Relationships Are Built on Other Qualities
Love is important. But what keeps a relationship strong is often not love, but everything else:
- Do you spend time together?
- Are you verbally appreciative of each other?
- Do you repair your relationship after an argument?
- Can you make jokes and have fun together?
- Are you focused on building trust without control?
Often, you’ll hear successful relationships talk about how they “married their best friend” and there is some truth to that. Those relationships that are really strong are often the ones where both partners are not focused on love, specifically, but on all the components that make a relationship feel powerful.
If you need help with your relationship, reach out to me today.